i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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