Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
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We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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