dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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