I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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