I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
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I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
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You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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