Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
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College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
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I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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