I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize