have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
