apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Life is so much better after having sex.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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