Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
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He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
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We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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