Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
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i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
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found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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