I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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