I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
The air taste purple.
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