i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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