i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
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He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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