Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
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I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
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Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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