thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
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I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
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Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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