Jerry, you need to find god
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
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The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
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I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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