I CAN MOONWALK!
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
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Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
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Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
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