I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
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I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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