Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
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I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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