there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize