just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
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Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
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Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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