the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
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I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
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LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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