I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
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So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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