why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
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Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
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Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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