Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
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I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
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You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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