What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I AM VODKA MAN
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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