I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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