I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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