woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You are the jesus of drinking
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize