Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
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after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
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In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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