Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
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Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
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After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm too high and old for this...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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