six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
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Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
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Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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