Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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