Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
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Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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