oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
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I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
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She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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