my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
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She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
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I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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