Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
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I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
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Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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