Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
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Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
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in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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