You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
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I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You need a sexual gate keeper
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Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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