Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
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I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
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Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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