wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize