yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
All the doctor said was why
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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