When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
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no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
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There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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