i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
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We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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