I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
A bitchslap is in order.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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