Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My pussy is not your playground.
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You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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