My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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