I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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